


Ma Mort Est Ta Fin

by favoredReign



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dark, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insanity, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Adam (Voltron), Romance, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Violence, be warned, i love how thats a tag, idk what else to tag, this is super dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-10 21:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15957785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favoredReign/pseuds/favoredReign
Summary: Homesickness can sometimes be incurable when you're stuck in the expanse of space. Lance was finding this out the hard way. It was hitting him too hard, effecting his performance with the team. What's happening to him?Keith doesn't know what's happening to Lance. None of them do. He desperately hopes he can help before Lance gets any worse. He doesn't know how he'd live with himself if that happened.*PLEASE READ MY BEGINNING NOTES. THEY ARE LONG BUT VERY IMPORTANT.*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this! I can not stress how important this message is.
> 
> This fic is extremely dark. Definitely not the worst one out there, but it is up there. There are descriptive self-harm scenes, spiraling insanity, and a graphic suicide attempt. Absolutely do not read this if you get triggered easily.
> 
> If you have experienced any type of mental illness that causes you to visualize 'voices' and 'visions' or any type of mental illness that has caused you to either self harm or attempt suicide, do not read this story.
> 
> If you get triggered easily due to blood, depression, or anything relatively graphic, do not read this story.
> 
> That said, I can not stop you from reading it if you so choose. But please, do so at your own risk. I care first and foremost about my readers' safety and sanity. I do not want anything in this story to trigger you and cause anything to happen. It has happened to me when reading things before, so I am well aware that it does.
> 
> If you have determined that you can, then please, read and enjoy! (Or don't. Again, this is your discretion.) Feel free to leave comments, compliments, and (constructive) criticism. Thank you for reading, and most importantly: take care of yourself.
> 
> * I will say before the chapters which have self harm scenes. They will be the last scene of the fic. Thank you.
> 
> * The translation of the title is "My Death is Your End"
> 
> * My mental health is currently relatively stable. I am okay, no worries! ^^
> 
> * This fic is completed and typed up. There will be regular updates. I'm just not sure how regular, as there are only 8 chapters.
> 
> ~ Meri

“How far away from Earth do you think we are, Coran?”

Anyone could hear the homesickness in Lance’s voice. He missed his family more than anyone, and he hadn’t been able to talk to them much in the Garrison. He hadn’t been able to say goodbye.

“Let’s take a look,” Coran responded, pulling up the hologram full of stars. He points to one area, “Earth is over here-” Coran pauses to begin to move the hologram. “And we’re all…” He drags out the ‘all’, but Lance doesn’t notice. Lance was hypnotised by the movement. “The way over…” Coran was continuing but was almost tuned out at this point. Lance was unable to quench his growing feeling of unease. They were so far away…

Lance started speaking again, initiating a short conversation and rambling about the ocean and the grass before he could stop himself. He looked down as he finished, “I- I can’t see any of it.”

“You miss Earth. I understand.” Coran offered a supportive pat that did nothing to lessen Lance’s unease. The gesture was appreciated, though. “I miss Altea.”

“I- I know we’re supposed to be brave paladins and defenders of the universe or whatever,” Lance felt it become increasingly difficult to keep his voice steady, “but honestly? I just want to go home.” He was shocked by how much it hurt to say it out loud. He and Coran talked more about their planets and the things they missed. There was so much he missed about Earth, but most of all, he just wanted to see his family again. He didn’t know how he’d make it very long without them.

* * *

Lance did remember the bonding moment. After Keith supposedly not remembering him at all, though, he’s definitely not telling Keith. And it occurred to him it really must have been a while that he was out- he missed so much. How did everyone figure Pidge out before him? Was he really so stupid?

As close as he felt to the team at this point, though, a lingering feeling remained. It was hard to put into words, but if he really needed to: He felt like the family pet someone bought on a whim and everyone got tired of. Sure, he could be a flirt sometimes, but he didn’t mean to annoy everyone so much. Maybe being an annoyance was all he was good at.

“Lance? Are you alright?” Keith’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Wait- Keith? Was Keith worried about him? Why? Keith hated him!

“What do you care?” Lance didn’t realise he snapped until it was too late. He really didn’t mean to be so hostile, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Keith glared. “Fine. I was just trying to be nice and check up on you because you seemed down, but fine. Sue me for caring.” Keith threw his hands up, frustrated.

“Since when do you care? You’ve never cared before, so why now?” Why was Lance being so mean? He couldn’t understand himself right now.

“You’d be surprised.” With that, Keith left, visibly too tired to deal with arguing with Lance right now. What did that mean, anyway? He’d be surprised?

_He’s never cared about you._

Lance jumped at the voice, unsure of where it came from. It sounded eerily familiar but was gone before he had the chance to place it. Maybe he imagined it?

* * *

As much as Lance liked his bed, he always ended up trapped in his thoughts when he laid down. Wearing headphones helped, but sometimes he just couldn’t get away.

Hunk had been right. Once again, if he had just listened, he’d have been alright. Instead, he ended up trusting Nyma too much. Because of his stupidity, he got tied to a tree and lost Blue. Not to mention endangering his team in the process.

He’s not a very good paladin, is he?

_Not a very good son, either._

It was that voice again. Who was it? Is there an alien in his head or something? Lance rubs his temples, struggling with what to do. He still couldn’t quite place the voice. What did it mean he isn’t a good son?

_‘Exactly what I said. What kind of son leaves his family behind? I didn’t even get a goodbye.'_

“M- mama?” He’s speaking to an empty room, he knows that. But… That voice. He finally recognized it.

_‘How long have you been away? Do you even know?’_

Lance almost yells, almost cries, but he stops himself. No one is there. He’s just- he’s just imagining things. He sighs. “This is normal,” he says to no one specific. “I’m sure this will go away. Right?”

Right?

* * *

Not right. It was never very insistent, but every now and then he would hear her say something. Usually it wasn’t much, but it made his anxiety grow worse by the day. The team helped, though. When he was with them, she never said anything. It was when he was alone that she became an issue.

_‘You don’t honestly believe they care about you, do you?’_

Lance just sighs, getting up to find someone to talk to. She’d be quiet if he was with someone.

_‘Not going to answer me? First you abandon us, now you won’t even say anything. How cruel.’_

“I didn’t abandon anyone!” Lance argues, stopping just before his door. “And yes, they do care. They’re- they’re like family.”

_‘We’re your family! Not these people. They could never love you like we do.’_

Lance doesn’t respond this time. He does leave his room, running into Shiro on his way out.

“Sh- Shiro! Where- uh- where were you going?” Lance surprised himself with how difficult it was to steady his voice.

“The… Training room. Lance, are you alright? You’ve seemed distant lately and Keith was especially worried about you.” Shiro’s ‘concerned dad mode’ was evident in his tone, making Lance almost want to tell him everything. Almost.

“I’m perfectly fine. Besides, Keith doesn’t actually care. That guy hates me!”

“Come on, Lance, you know that isn’t true. All of us care quite a bit about you. We’re a team.” Shiro crosses his arms, visibly concerned.

It did calm Lance just a little bit. Shiro had a way of helping. Maybe it was just Lance associating him with a dad, though.

_‘He isn’t your dad.’_

“Shiro! Can I train with you? Just maybe it’ll help me get my mind off… things?” Lance internally cringes at how vague he was, but he really didn’t want to bother anyone with any of this. They had to clean up after him enough. He wouldn’t bother them with this, too.

“Of course, you can.” Shiro gives Lance a soft smile, “You know, you can come to me if you want to talk about what’s bothering you. Or anyone on the team, I’m sure. We all want to see you doing well. And you haven’t been lately.”

Lance forces a smile in return, following Shiro down the halls. “It’s alright, Shiro. Nothing is really wrong. I’m fine, I promise.”

Shiro didn’t look very convinced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's the first chapter! I know I've said this a bunch, but if you can't read these things, please do not read them. I love you, and as much as I trust you, I care a lot about your health. I don't know you, no, but I still care. Thanks again!
> 
> (It only gets worse from here.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! Like I said, slowly getting worse. Again, take care of yourself and your safety first and foremost. No work of fiction or otherwise is worth your mental health.

At some point, Shiro decided Lance had trained enough for the day. Lance had already looked tired, but now he looked miserable. Shiro couldn’t stand to see him- or anyone else on the team- like this.

“Lance- Lance that’s enough. You’re obviously too tired to continue and as much as I appreciate this new-found determination, I can’t let you work yourself to death.”

“But- But Shiro! Shiro, we can’t stop yet. We need to continue- I need to continue!” Lance’s voice was obviously desperate. Something was wrong- Shiro just didn’t quite know what.

“Why, Lance? I’ve already told you that you can talk to me when something is bothering you. You can talk to me now.” Shiro put a hand on Lance’s shoulder, trying to be as comforting as possible. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I can’t, Shiro. I’m sure you could help, but I can’t bother you all with it.” Lance sighs, “Never mind. Really, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Shiro leads Lance out of the training room, walking towards Lance’s room. “Lance, all of us are going to worry about you. We care too much to watch you tear yourself apart like this.”

Lance stops in front of his door, hesitating to open it. “Shiro, I really think I could handle a little longer training. It won’t kill me, I’m sure of that.”

“It just might. You’re exhausted, I can see it looking at you right now. We can train again later, after you’ve rested for a little while.”

“Shiro, you don’t understand! I need to, I can’t- I don’t want to be alone. She’s quiet when I’m not alone, I can’t be-” Lance cuts himself off, surprised with his words. He looks at Shiro for just a moment before turning, locking himself in his room before Shiro got the chance to question him. He really did not want to talk about it right now. Maybe at some point- but not now.

As disappointed as Shiro was that Lance wouldn’t talk to him, he wasn’t going to push. He can wait until Lance is ready. Until then, he’s worried about part of what Lance had said. ‘She’? Who is ‘she’?

* * *

Lance didn’t show up for dinner. He was going to, but he couldn’t bring himself to face Shiro just yet. He especially couldn’t face Keith. He was unreasonably terrible to his fellow paladin before, and he had no excuse for it. Lance didn’t have an excuse for anything.

Even when Shiro came, knocking at the door, he stayed lying in his bed. As much as he didn’t want to admit his mother was speaking to him, it sure sounded like her.

_‘Your room is a mess. Your brother really was always cleaning up after you, wasn’t he?’_

“Lance? We’re all waiting on you. No one else has seen you all day.” Shiro’s voice was a nice counter to his mother’s, but she never went away entirely.

Lance finds it in himself to get up and go to the door, opening it to a concerned-looking Shiro. That’s the only expression Shiro would look at him with lately. He was getting tired of it.

“Lance!” Shiro sounded surprised. “I’m glad you decided to come out. We all miss you.”

_‘No, they don’t.’_

Lance waves a hand around his ear, trying to swat the voice away. “Sorry, Shiro. I didn’t mean to worry you guys.” He forces a smile again and follows Shiro to where everyone else was sitting and eating.

“Lance! You made it, buddy! We were worried about you.” Hunk’s cheerful voice almost made Lance cringe again- just because he’d made his team worry.

He was doing really bad at this paladin thing.

_‘Yes, you are.’_

He sits next to Keith, who won’t even look at him. That hurts more than he was expecting it to. He chooses to ignore that feeling and talk to Hunk on his other side.

“So, you and Pidge have been working on a few upgrades to the castle ship, haven’t you?”

The question leads Hunk and Pidge into a ramble of words that make almost no sense to Lance, but he enjoys listening to them anyway. Watching his friends enjoying themselves was enough to lift his mood.

“And we’re trying to figure out the time in space versus time on Earth,” Pidge adds to whatever they had been going on about.

That got Lance’s attention. “What do you mean by that? How different is it?”

“Well, we don’t entirely know. We aren’t sure how time passes out here. A week in space could be a month or even a year on Earth. It could also only be a day. We haven’t figured it out just yet, but we’re looking at it,” Pidge continued.

“That’s quite interesting, Pidge. Keep me updated, I’d love to hear what the two of you find out,” Shiro added, seeming to get into the conversation.

_‘You know what this means. We could all be dead.’_

“S-so, uh, Keith, are you alright? You haven’t said a word since I got in here,” Lance finally addresses Keith, who’s been ignoring everyone’s presence.

Keith looks at Lance, scowling. “Oh, so now I’m worth your time?”

“What do you mean by that? You’ve been ignoring me!”

“You yell at me the last time we talk, and you haven’t so much as looked at me since then. Am I just supposed to ignore that?”

Lance could hear how upset Keith was. That hurt, too- though he couldn’t exactly tell why. He caught the look Shiro was giving him and sighed. “I’m sorry, Keith. I’m just really homesick. I’ve never gone so long without the option of talking to my family. I miss them.”

Keith’s expression softens, but his tone is still bitter as he speaks, “Fine. You could always do this thing called talking to us when you’re upset, though.”

“Oh, like you?” Lance internally cursed himself. Here he goes again.

Keith doesn’t respond this time, though, and instead stands up and leaves without another word. Shiro gets up after a moment and follows him.

Pidge and Hunk pause their conversation, giving Lance a confused look.

Lance stands up and leaves as well, going the opposite direction. He deserved to be alone.

‘But you’re not alone. You have me.’

“I don’t want you,” Lance mutters, putting his headphones on as soon as he gets into his room.

_‘Oh, but darling, I’m all you have.’_

* * *

Someone was screaming. Was that him? No, it was definitely someone else. It was loud.

The screaming stops abruptly and someone comes into his view. Why are they just standing there? What are they doing? Is that Keith?

It is Keith, Lance confirms, when the red paladin turns to glare at him. Glare may not be the right word, though. Violet eyes were set with such coldness, such underlying hate, that Lance was almost afraid.

Keith turned and walked away.

Lance tried to call out- tried to talk to him, tried to ask what he did- but Keith had already gone. Lance’s voice wasn’t working, either. He couldn’t make a sound. Why can’t he say anything?

Shiro stepped into his view, now, looking at Lance with an expression that screamed ‘disappointment’. What had he done?

“You let us down,” Shiro says before shaking his head and walking away in the same direction Keith had a few moments before.

With no one in front of him, it was dark. Lance didn’t understand what was going on. Why were they leaving him? What had he done?

“Everyone is going to leave you eventually, Lance.” Hunk’s voice is loud in his ears, but his friend is nowhere to be seen. When he finally does come into view, all Lance can see is Hunk shaking his head and walking away, his being slightly hunched over with his head lowered giving away just how upset he is.

Lance feels like he’s going to cry. He can’t, though. It’s like he’s not even there.

“You don’t deserve to cry. You let us all down,” Pidge tells him, fixing him with a glare. “This is your fault. Why can’t you do anything right?” With that, Pidge gives off a sigh and walks away, as if she’s tired of being around him.

_‘I told you. None of them care about you. We’re all you have.’_

_‘Just accept us, Lance! It’s not like you’re coming back to Earth anytime soon.’_

_‘Yeah, we could be dead when you get back. You don’t know how long you’ve been gone!’_

“No!” Lance finally shouts, covering his ears. “No, I’m going to come back!”

_‘Honey, it’s already too late.’_

_‘Come on, Lance! They’re all leaving you anyway!’_

Lance wakes up with a shout, tears in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Someone had been knocking on the door for the past five minutes, but Lance had only just noticed. It took him another minute to process the voice calling his name.

“Lance? Lance! Hey, are you alright in there? Lance?”

It sounded like a concerned Hunk. He didn’t want Hunk to be concerned. Lance manages to get himself up and he approaches the door, only stopping when a hand rests on his own. It’s gone as soon as it appeared, though.

_‘Stay in here, Lance, stay with us.’_

Lance only responds with a shake of his head and he opens the door, yawning and smiling at Hunk.

“Lance! You opened the door!”

“Yeah, I just slept a little late. What’s going on?” His usual facade was on, and he and Hunk walked down the hall.

“Shiro and Allura are having everyone train this morning. We haven’t trained together in a while and Shiro decided it was time to.” As Hunk explained, Lane convinced himself to relax. It was easier to do so with his best friend around.

_‘Best friend? He’s not that important.’_

“Morning, everybody!” Lance sat cheerfully as he walks into the training room. “It’s a little early, though. I didn’t get the chance to wash my face or anything. If I break out, I’m blaming Keith.”

“What? Why me?”

Lance shrugs in response, catching Shiro’s relieved look. They must be glad he’s back to ‘normal’.

Shiro stepped in front of everyone. “Well, team. Let’s get started.”

* * *

It didn’t take long for Shiro to catch on to Lance’s facade, which Lance could only blame himself for. The rest of the team seemed to blame it on him being tired, though.

That dream just kept bothering him. Every time he would look into the other paladins’ faces, he would see them walking away. He would see the disappointment in their expression, as if he was reliving it. As if he was living a nightmare.

When training had ended, Lance tried to leave as soon as he could, and even sooner when he saw Shiro coming towards him.

He didn’t quite get away in time. “Lance, is something bothering you? You’ve seemed pretty out of it all morning.”

“Don’t worry,” Lance smiled, “I just had a bad dream. I’ll be fine.” Lance couldn’t exactly tell why he’d told the truth, but it was probably something to do with Shiro’s ‘dad voice’.

“A bad dream? Do you want to talk about it? And- before you say anything, I want you to know I don’t have a problem listening to you. None of us do.”

How did Shiro know so much?

Lance and Shiro sit down together. Lance lets out a sad sigh before beginning, “I dreamed that all four of you guys walked away.” There it was- the dream staring him in the face as if it was happening all over again. “I had done something. I don’t know what. But… All of you just left. You looked so upset.”

Shiro gives Lance a small pat, his voice reassuring. “Lance, none of us are just going to leave like that. If you do something, we would talk to you about it. And you haven’t done anything.”

“I know, Shiro. It’s just- an irrational fear, I guess. I’m terrified all of my friends are going to leave me.”

“I understand. We all have fears like that. The goal is to overcome them. You can trust in us, Lance. We’re all here for you.”

Lance finds himself genuinely smiling. “Thanks, Shiro.”

They sit together for a while longer, afterward leaving to join the rest of the team.

* * *

He needed to apologise to Keith. He didn’t know what he’d say exactly, but it needed to happen.

Lance found Keith alone in his room. He knocked on the door, already knowing what was going to happen.

“Go away, Lance. I know that’s you. I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Keith. We need to. I need to. I have to apologise.”

A pause. And then the door slid open, and Keith sat down on his bed, polishing his knife as a way to avoid looking up at Lance. “Apologise for what?”

Lance walked into the room, standing across the room. “How I’ve acted lately. I’m pushing you away and you haven’t even done anything.”

Keith doesn’t respond other than a nod.

Lance continues, a little dejected. “I’ve just been really homesick. I know it’s selfish and unfair for me to be like this. All of you guys have your own things to deal with.” Lance pauses for just a moment, searching for what to say. “I guess… What I’m trying to say is, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m really sorry.”

It’s silent for a moment and when Lance finally looks up, Keith is standing in front of him. They’re both standing close together, but it doesn’t bother Lance like he thought it would.

“You’re fine, Lance,” Keith says- almost whispers. It looks like they’re going to hug, both of them slowly moving towards each other-

Keith moves away, grabbing his jacket and refusing to look at Lance. “Anyway… I need to find Shiro. I have to talk to him about- uh- stuff.”

It may have been the light, but Keith looked like he was blushing. “Stuff? Alright… Really though, I’m sorry. I don’t treat you guys like I should.”

Keith shakes his head, “I just care.” And with that, Keith leaves the room.

Lance follows him out and heads to his own room, not feeling horrible for the first time in a while. His conversation with Keith had been short but being on good terms with him again made Lance happy for a little while.

* * *

_‘I’m a part of you, Lance. You can’t just ignore me.’_

“You’re not real.” Lance puts his hands over his ears, trying to block out the voice.

_‘You can’t get rid of us!’_

Scratch that. Voices.

_‘We’re the only ones who care about you.’_

_‘You should know you can only trust your family.’_

Lance’s head hurt. Lance’s heart hurt. He knows they aren’t real. His family is safe on Earth and he’s going to see them when they save everyone.

_‘You don’t know how long you’ve been gone.’_

_‘We’re already gone, Lance.’_

_‘We’re here with you.’_

“No, no you’re not. I haven’t been gone that long!” He sits on his bed, putting his headphones on and turning them up.

_‘Do you hate us so much? You want to get rid of us this badly?’_

_‘You really hate us now. How horrible.’_

_‘Never really cared about your family, did you?’_

Lance turns his music up louder, screaming louder than he meant to.

“No! Shut up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And chapter 3 is here. I get impatient with myself and I'm kinda excited to post all of this. So,,, yeah. Prob gonna post each chapter a day at a time. If i forget just be like 'wheres the next chapter bish' and ill get it im forgetful like that but like i said also excited
> 
> Hit me up anytime, I need something new to write  
> my insta is @favoredReign so like lit just dm me like 'hey could you write...' and ill do my best pls tho im desperate and bored i have nothing to do between classes


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is self harm in this chapter. It is the very last scene. If you can read it, alright. I can't stop you either way. But please take care of yourself.

When the alarm went off in the morning, Lance had not slept at all. He barely listened as Allura explained the situation–something about a planet that sent out a rescue frequency. His dissociation did not go unnoticed by everyone, though.

Keith came up to him before they all went to their Lions. Lance jumped at the hand on his arm, surprised by Keith’s presence. Everyone else left, so why hadn’t Keith?

“You look dead on your feet. Are you alright?” Keith’s voice was worried, which bothered the hell out of the blue paladin. He didn’t need anyone worrying about him, and especially not Keith.

“I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep well.” Or at all. He didn’t have to tell Keith that.

“Are you sure you slept at all? It looks like you were up all night.” Keith payed more attention to him than he thought. “If you need to sit this one out, then I’m sure-”

Lance cut him off, “I said I’m fine. I’d be better if you just left me alone!” Lance left towards his Lion, then, pretending not to notice how hurt Keith looked. Oh well. He’s not apologising again.

_‘You don’t need any of them.’_

He was inclined to agree with her for once. He doesn’t need them.

_‘Just like they don’t need you.’_

* * *

Shiro was the one to confront Lance after they got back to the castle. Keith pointedly ignored him, heading in the direction of the training room.

“Lance, what is going on?” Shiro phrased it like a question, but it was more like a demand.

_‘How annoying.’_

“How annoying,” Lance repeats, glaring tiredly at Shiro. “Maybe you and Keith should stop focusing on me and pay attention to what we’re supposed to be doing. Defending the universe and all that, remember?”

That did not make Shiro very happy. “I understand you’re going through a hard time, but so are the rest of us. Everyone is having to adjust and you can’t-”

“I knew you’d do that. Who cares about me? Who cares about my problems? Everyone else’s are so much worse. So here I go, getting pushed to the background again. I should get used to it, I guess.”

“That’s not what’s happening! I’m just trying to-”

“Stop trying!” Lance raised his voice. At Shiro. His idol. He really has reached a new low.

“You can’t talk to any of us like this, Lance!” Shiro wasn’t angry- but he did sound upset. “You need to listen.”

“Well maybe I’m tired of listening.”

_‘Leave him. Come talk to me, instead.’_

He turned to do exactly that. She was right. He can only trust his family.

_‘That’s exactly right. We’re the only ones who genuinely care about you.’_

Shiro grabbed his shoulder to stop him, and Lance turned quickly, smacking Shiro’s hand away. He set the older paladin with a harsh glare, his eyes cold and almost void of any other emotion.

“I told you I’m tired. Just... fuck off.” With that, Lance ran, locking himself in his room.

* * *

She was there. Standing in front of him. No, he couldn’t just be seeing things. His mother–the woman who had been there with him his entire life–was standing just in front of him.

He tried to hug her, but she held a hand up, keeping him back with that gesture and a gentle shake of her head.

_‘You can’t, Lance. I’m not physically here.’_

“But… Why not? Where are you?”

_‘I think you know the answer to that.’_

“That can’t be true, though! We haven’t been gone that long.”

_‘It’s been longer than you realise. You left us, Lance. We never got to see you again.’_

He turned, then, at the new voice. It was his sister, though she wasn’t wearing her glasses.

_‘The dead don’t need to see.’_

Lance had a sudden feeling about something being wrong, but he left it. He was finally seeing his family again.

“No, Lance,” his mother’s voice was suddenly so real that it scared him. “But you can see us again. You could be with us forever, if you’d like.”

“Yes!” He jumped at the opportunity. He can’t let them down again. “What do I have to do?”

Veronica, his sister, placed a hand over where Lance’s bayard was laying. “End your life here, and you can join us where we are. We’ll never be separated again.”

Lance went cold. He began backing up to his door, shaking his head. Why would they suggest something like that? Did they really want him to die? He wanted to be with them, but… at that cost? “I can’t do that! The–the team… What would the team do?”

“They don’t need you,” his mother assures him. “They’ll find someone else.”

“I just–I just need some time to think!” Lance yelled at them, opening his door and running down the hall to the kitchen, where Hunk and Pidge were absorbed in a conversation about upgrading the castle defence.

Lance sits with them, noticing how they don’t even look at him when he does. He lays his head down, trying to think about anything besides what had just been suggested.

The way he was ignored, though, they were probably right. The team doesn’t need him. They probably don’t even want him.

* * *

Keith continued to avoid him. Not that Lance cared–he was busy avoiding Shiro and Allura. They both kept trying to ‘talk’ to him, as if that was going to help anything.

“Just do what we’ve told you. You won’t have to deal with them anymore,” Veronica tells him, walking beside him as he made his way through the castle.

He got back to his room, tired from the training that had ended early due to his and Keith’s inability to work together. Oh well. Why should Lance care? He doesn’t need to get along with Keith.

Lance searched through his things in the bathroom. It wasn’t messy, there was just a lot of stuff. Thrown everywhere. Okay, maybe it was a little messy.

Eventually, he found the item he was looking for. A razor blade from the razor he’d taken apart not too long ago. He had not used it yet, though he had considered it. The last time he used one was on Earth, a few months before they had found Blue. The marks were too light to notice anymore.

A hand was on his shoulder. His mother. “You know what to do, Lance. You failed last time, but now you don’t have to be afraid. Now you can be with us.”

Lance let the blade lay on his wrist for a moment. Just before he made the cut, he changed his mind and lifted the blade further up, making a deep cut on his inner forearm instead. It stung at first, he hadn’t been prepared for it to cut so deep. The way the skin split open seemed almost soothing. Even though it hurt, it calmed him. It took a minute for the blood to rise where he could see it, and by then he had made another cut just below the first one.

Each time the blade dug into his skin, the frustrated voices of his family got further away. He lifted his head, finally, noticing the tear tracks on his face. When had he started crying? He looked around the room, wiping the remaining tears from his eyes. The room was empty. It was quiet. No one was there. He was alone.

He bandaged his arm, thankful for the first aid kit that he found within his room. As much as he would have been fine leaving the cuts in the open and letting them rub against his jacket like he used to, he did not feel like risking getting a weird space virus. Lance slipped his jacket on after that and composed himself, leaving the room to join the rest of the team while they ate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spiral into insanity. So much fun. Hmu on insta to yell at me or something @favoredReign (im desperate for friends)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More self harm in this chapter. Last section only. I promise I made up for it this time,,,

Every time Lance glanced around, he saw the figures of those he had known all his life. They stopped speaking to him for a while, but he could see them coming back. The quiet was nice while it lasted. He had time to think for himself.

He wanted to be with them so bad it hurt, but he also knew he can’t just ed everything. It wouldn’t be fair to the team. To his friends. To Keith.

He used to think he hated Keith. Sure, they had a rivalry, but he knows he doesn’t hate Keith. Keith does more for everyone than even said paladin realises. The red paladin is definitely hot-headed and doesn’t always think thing through, but it didn’t make him a bad person. At least Keith tries. Lance can’t even do that much right.

No, he doesn’t hate Keith. He admires Keith. He wants to be a good person, like Keith.

Lance shakes his head, not willing to stay dwelling on that subject. He wanted to be good, he really did. He could fake it pretty well. He wasn’t, though. No matter what mask he put on, no matter what lies he told the others, no matter what lies he told himself, he never could be good. If he stays there, though, then whatever is left of his confidence will be gone. At least he can recognise that much.

He stands from his place on his bed, heading out of the room. Lance needs to do something. He needs to be a little bit productive while he has the chance.

* * *

Shiro was reasonably suspicious when Lance came to him, begging for another training session. Especially considering the ‘kind words’ he’d gotten the other day. Also, though, Lance didn’t like to train. Made it clear he hated it, in fact. The blue paladin had been noticeably declining mentally. Shiro wished he could help, but Lance has been so jumpy and defensive that Shiro isn’t sure how he could bring it up without being permanently shut down. It hurts him seeing Lance like this, but he can do almost nothing.

When they begin sparring, Lance on the defence and Shiro attacking, Lance seemed to be a little more stable than he had been recently. Maybe now could be a good time. He may as well give it a shot, he probably won’t have another chance.

“Lance,” Shiro began, rushing towards the other, “I’ve noticed you seem to have been a little… I don’t know. Out of it, I guess.”

“Haven’t we already talked about this?” Lance mutters a curse in Spanish when he almost misses Shiro’s next move.

Shiro shakes his head at the language- the cursing, not the Spanish. “A little, yes, but we never went over everything that’s bothering you. There’s something there that you aren’t talking about.”

“Nothing is bothering me,” Lance snaps, switching last second from a simple block to grab Shiro’s human arm and yank him off balance.

Shiro was surprised and impressed by the move. He nods at Lance and takes notice of the break in Lance’s expression at the unspoken praise. He almost smiled. Shiro continues the conversation. “You wouldn’t have snapped at me just then if nothing was wrong. I really don’t want to push you, Lance, but I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong. And I want to help.”

“I don’t need your help, Shiro!” Lance’s voice was harsh, the hint at a smile long gone. “Stop treating me like a child. Not everyone needs you all the time.”

Shiro was honestly a small bit hurt at the words. “Stop pushing everyone away, Lance! You’re worse than Keith!” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he mentally smacks himself. That was a dumb thing to say.

Lance’s anger shows clearly in his expression. “Worse than Keith? I’m worse than Keith, really? Of all the things you could have said in that moment, you tell me I’m worse than Keith?”

“I didn’t mean-”

“What?” Lance interrupts, almost laughing with how upset he had become. “You didn’t mean what? The exact words you just said?”

Shiro notices Lance scratching at his arm. It was probably nothing, but the way he did it was worrying. Even more so when paired with Lance’s hostility. Lance may be further gone than Shiro thought.

“Can we calm down, please? All I meant was I need you to stop pushing me away. Let me in. Let me help you.” Shiro’s voice became softer, an attempt to calm down Lance.

It seemed to work at first, the brunette’s expression softening. With his next words, it was clear it didn’t. “What about what I need? I need things to stop. I need Hunk to stop being so nice to me when I don’t deserve it. I need Pidge to stop being a genius. I need Keith to stop being so—so perfect! And you? I need you to stop trying to understand me. You’ll never be able to. You’re Takashi Shirogane, commander of the Kerberos mission, Black Paladin of Voltron, a hero to everyone, a great leader that people can always look up to. I’m just an insignificant boy from Cuba who got lucky. I’ve always looked up to you, always admired you. I wanted to be like you, but now I know I can’t. Now I know we’re nothing alike.”

“Lance…” Shiro wasn’t sure what to say. What could he say? What could he possibly say that would help this situation? “Just… Just because you can’t be me, doesn’t mean you can’t be you. You are good enough just being you.”

“You don’t get it, Shiro. I already told you. You don’t need me. Nobody needs me. I’m just the leg. Easily replaceable. All of you have a place, you have something significant that makes you a part of the team. I don’t. I have nothing.”

“You do, I’m sure of it. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. You’re our Blue Paladin, of course we need you!” Shiro tried to argue. He wasn’t getting anywhere.

Lance shook his head and lowered his expression to the floor. “I already told you to stop trying to understand me, Shiro. Just… Stop.”

* * *

Back in his room, Lance resorts to burying his face into his pillow and yelling out his frustration. He didn’t want to be such an ass to Shiro, but he didn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t want to–no, he can’t talk about it.

His sister walks around his room, messing with things. “He deserved worse than what you said.” She sits down next to him on the bed. “That Shiro should learn to mind his own business. He wouldn’t get it anyway. He wouldn’t understand.”

“His family doesn’t speak to him like we do for you,” his mother’s voice is surprisingly kind. He sits up, leaning slightly into her hand in his hair. “It just proves that we love you.”

“I know, I know. I used to look up to him, though. I can’t believe I told him it was a waste.”

“Wasn’t it, though? You could have been on Earth with us if you didn’t rescue him. It’s his fault you were taken from us.”

His sister cuts back in, “Come to us again, please, Lance? Everyone else is waiting for you. We can’t wait to see you.”

Lance jumps up, shaking his head and pulling his jacket off. “No! I told you, I can’t. Maybe one day, but I can’t right now.”

They both hug him, his mother’s eyes teary. Her voice sounds so sad it sends a sharp tinge of pain through his heart. “Lance, honey, please. We miss you. I miss you so, so much. We can all be a happy family forever if you would just join us.”

Lance found the razor from before and shook them off. They left him alone for a while the last he did it. Hopefully it works this time.

“Are you really trying to get rid of us again? Cruel. WE thought you loved us.”

“Here’s the truth, isn’t it? You hate us. So that’s why you left.”

“No!” He yells, digging the blade through his skin. “Leave me alone, I can’t take this!”

With every cut, the voices got further away. Both his arms were covered now, blood dripping onto his room floor. He didn’t mean to do so much. He just wanted them gone. He dropped the razor, trying to fight down his rising panic. Tears were in his eyes before he knew it.

He almost missed the voice over the sounds of his sobbing. He was panicking. He can’t fix this. Not like last time. There’s so much blood. Too much. Too much, it’s everywhere. What’s he going to do now?

“Lance, we really need to talk. Now.”

He couldn’t find his voice in time to stop the door from opening. “Don’t,” he chokes out, trying to cover his arms and his face at the same time. “Don’t come in, please.”

Keith stood in the open doorway, his eyes wide in shock and horror. Keith dropped beside Lance, pulling his red jacket off and wrapping it around Lance’s arms, holding the blue paladin to him.

“I can’t believe I let this go so far. Lance, I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry, I’m here.” Keith’s voice was soothing and Lance found himself leaning into the embrace. “Lance, I’m here,” Keith kept whispering. “I’ve got you, I’m here for you. Can you walk with me now? We’ll get you to a healing pod. That can take care of this.”

Lance shakes his head, the panic returning full force. He tries to pull away from Keith, then. No one can see him like this. No one. Especially not Shiro.

Keith noticed Lance’s panic immediately and hugged him loosely, rubbing a hand through the soft, brown hair. “It’s fine, it’s alright. If you don’t want a healing pod, we at least need to bandage them. Do you have bandages?”

Lance nods and points to where his jacket is, his bandages in one of the pockets. When he feels Keith start to get up, though, he grabs Keith’s arm and tries to pull the other paladin back down beside him. Keith shushes him and moves away, going to the bathroom as well.

Keith brings back a wet towel and Lance’s bandages, making quick work and cleaning and bandages Lance’s arms. It was surprisingly efficient. As if this wasn’t the first time Keith had done it.

Lance hugged Keith, struggling not to start sobbing again. “I’m so- I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I keep being so horrible to everyone. To you. To Shiro. I don’t know why. I can’t stop myself. I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m selfish and horrible. You weren’t supposed to know.”

Keith listens, his hand returning to Lance’s hair, trying to be as soothing as possible. It worked at calming Lance down a little bit, at least. He wasn’t full-blown panicking anymore.

Lance stopped talking to breathe, then continued rambling. He didn’t seem to notice half of what he was saying. “I just didn’t know what else to do. They won’t leave me alone. Hurting myself is the only way I get any quiet. They want me to join them. I can’t, I can’t, I don’t know what to do.”

“Who is they, Lance?” Keith kept his voice low, but he had to ask. He was worried. He was genuinely worried for Lance, and for once, not afraid to show it.

“My family, they won’t leave. It’s my mom, my sister, they told me everyone misses me. They’re all waiting on me. They said the team doesn’t need me, I know that, though. You all can just find a new paladin for Blue. I’m replaceable. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you did.” Keith hugs Lance closer. “And yes, maybe replacing the Blue Paladin is possible, but replacing Lance isn’t.”

Keith suddenly pulls out of the hug, grabbing Lance’s shoulders and staring into blue eyes. Lance meets his gaze, confused. Keith’s eyes are beautiful, though. He can’t look away from them. From Keith.

“Maybe these voices in your head are telling you that we don’t need you, but it isn’t true. The team does need you. I need you, Lance.” Keith lowers his voice, pulling Lance back to him. “I need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up for it with Klance you're welcome heh
> 
> HMU @favoredReign on insta, yell at me  
> I'm starting a new fic about time travel and Ancient Greece (its voltron of course), would yall enjoy something like that? Lemme know.  
> Also: Next chapter will be up by Friday I promise. Maybe two new ones will be up then. I just kinda forget to post them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new chapter? Can't be... It is! Wow!  
> I swear I've got these all written already, I've just been working a heck ton.  
> No self harm in this chapter but poor Lancey lance is struggling  
> I love him i swear,,,

It had been a week since his moment with Keith. Lance hates to admit he’d been avoiding both Keith and Shiro since that day. They both gave him enough worried glances to last a lifetime.

No matter how many worried looks or attempts at conversation they threw his way, none of it could drive away the voices. They persisted. It began getting harder to drive them away, Lance becoming increasingly desperate. It seemed they were not even trying to convince him anymore–they now tried to force him. He was afraid to be alone. Not because of the voices, not anymore. Because he was afraid of what he might do.

Another thing Lance had come to realize was just how afraid he had become of himself. Almost every day since Keith found him he found a new place to hurt himself, a new way, anything to drive away the pressure in his head. The others would call him crazy if he told them about any of it. They wouldn’t understand. They would probably replace him. Tell him he isn’t fit to be a Paladin of Voltron anymore.

All he wants is to be useful to the team, but all he does is push them away. All he does is lie and let them down. He can’t do anything right. He can’t even think right, if recently is to be his judge.

“You’re right about one thing,” his mother tells him, stepping into Lance’s view. “You can’t do anything for Voltron. Not anymore.”

“Shut up, yes I can. Keith said-”

“Who cares what Keith said? He’s just as broken as you are. His conceited opinion of you means absolutely nothing. You mean absolutely nothing.”

Lance let out a frustrated yell and threw the closest thing to him at her. That thing happened to be a couch pillow, which brought him back to everyone else in the room–all of which were staring at him.

Lance glared at Keith and Shiro when they exchanged their trademarked worried looks. Pidge frowned, not quite worried but definitely confused. Hunk mirrored her expression, and was the first to speak after Lance’s outburst, his voice proving his confusion even further.

“Lance, buddy, are you doing alright?” Shiro cringed at the question, remembering how ‘well’ his encounters with Lance had gone immediately upon asking that. Hunk kept on, though. “I’d like to ignore it, but that right then wasn’t exactly portraying you as a picture of perfect mental health.”

Lance snapped, as they had been expecting, “I’m perfectly fine! I don’t understand why all of you are so obsessed with my wellbeing. I’m fine. Leave me alone.” He doesn’t want to be alone.

“Yes, you do,” a voice whispered. His mother again.

“Lance,” Keith started, his voice soft, “Tell them. Tell us.”

The blue paladin’s harsh gaze softened when Keith spoke. “I- I can’t. I’m sorry, Keith. I can’t right now.” With that, Lance got up and nearly threw himself out of the room with how quickly he left.

He should know better than to go to his room. That doesn’t stop his feet from taking that path.

“You could stop worrying them. Stop hurting yourself. We’ve already told you how. Give in. You don’t need this life anymore.”

Lance was almost inclined to believe her.

* * *

When Lance left his room later, Shiro stood at his door, waiting for him. Shiro hadn’t come for a friendly, uplifting chat, if his expression was any indicator.

“What do you want now?” The harsh words were out before Lance could stop them. He can’t even control his words. He really has fallen, hasn’t he?

“I came to tell you you’re not going on the next mission. You’ve been dropping in your training and you haven’t shown any of us that you’re stable enough to go.”

“Stable enough? Wh- You can’t do that! You won’t be able to form Voltron without me!” Lance searched for anything he could argue, any way to prove he had to stay on the team.

Shiro snapped, then, a harshness unlike the older paladin, something Lance wasn’t even close to prepare for. “We can’t form Voltron with you! Have you really been that distance? Ignorant, actually. You haven’t even noticed?” If Lance flinched, he wouldn’t admit it.

Lance backed into his door, about to retreat into his room. “Leave me alone, if I’m so unimportant. You’ve made it clear the team doesn’t need me anymore.” His words didn’t sound like his own. IT took a minute for him to realise what he’d said.

“I never said you weren’t important and I definitely did not say we don’t need you. You know that isn’t true, not at all.” Shiro’s voice had returned to its usual gentleness, but that only hurt Lance more.

“You can’t form Voltron with me anymore. I’m not stable enough for missions. I’m not stupid Shiro, I know where this is going.” Lance pauses and steps inside his room. “I’m probably not even stable enough for life, ya’ know?”

A look crossed over Shiro’s face, then. Lance couldn’t describe it. It was just that- a look. Somehow it took neutral and said ‘you fucked up’ at the same time. But otherwise, it was just… a look.

Shiro grabbed him and pulled him back out of the room before the door could close. “You are definitely not locking yourself in your room after saying that. You can sit with Allura and Coran while the rest of us are gone. It’s obvious you can’t be alone right now.”

Lance groaned as Shiro dragged him through the hall. “I can walk by myself. Or am I not stable enough for that, either? Shiro, you have truly opened my eyes.”

Shiro stops suddenly and forces Lance to look at him. “If you really want to argue that you’re stable enough to be left alone, then what’s this?” Shiro grabbed Lance’s arm, the jacket sleeve falling back to reveal cuts that were visibly recent and no longer bandaged. Lance winced at how forcefully Shiro grabbed him, still hurting.

“Just leave me alone!” Lance shouted, pulling away and running, leaving Shiro standing there in the hall.

* * *

Coran had been following him around since the others left, no doubt because of Shiro. It was frustrating, but at the same time, a small part of Lance was thankful he isn’t alone. It gave him less time to dwell on things or hurt himself.

Lance sat down, noticing finally that Coran was going on about Altean treatments for mental illnesses and he felt his anger rising like it always did when someone talked about his issues.

That’s all they were–issues. Simple issues that, like everything else, would go away in time. Sometimes it hurt a little too much, though. Sometimes he was tempted to just give in and do what they wanted. To end everything.

“Do it,” his mother whispered, hands on his shoulders. “End it all. All your pain, all your problems. No more suffering or letting your friends down. They won’t have to worry about you if you just give in.”

“I can’t,” he yells at her, shaking her hands off him and changing seats. He catches the surprised look from Coran, who frowns but doesn’t say anything. Probably something else Shiro told him.

Lance could almost hear Shiro’s voice repeating those words from this morning. Telling him he wasn’t stable enough for the mission. Telling him he wasn’t stable enough to be a paladin anymore.

Despite his obvious resentment, there was a part of Lance that recognised that Shiro was right. Part of him that recognised he really did need help. He needed the others to know what was going on.

That part never won, though.

“You don’t need anyone else,” his sister whispered to him, but he couldn’t see her anywhere.

“Of course, I do,” Lance muttered a response, momentarily forgetting Coran stood in the room with him.

“You do what?” Coran asked, oblivious to the mental turmoil Lance was suffering through. Probably, anyway. The entire day Coran had been giving him the same worried glances as Keith and Shiro.

Lance had about had enough of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you guys just anxious little shits or what give me feedback on this shit, on my other shit  
> request shit  
> have a conversation with me  
> please fr tho i need friends i promise im just as anxious  
> @favoredReign is my insta hmu send me a message please im not intimidating i think


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure y'all are ready for the last chapter. I'll have it up by Wednesday (11/26) probably. If not, whoops.  
> Mentioned self harm, nothing terribly explicit.  
> Calm before the storm.  
> Please take care of yourselves. Love you guys. <3

Turns out, Allura can pilot Blue.

As much as Lance would like to be happy for her, it just hurt. Now he was even more expendable than before. It was only a matter of time before they left him on some random planet where the locals could ‘take care of him’.

“Don’t give them the chance,” Veronica’s voice was a whisper. She slowly made her way into his line of sight, glaring at the others around the table. “Leave them before they leave you.”

He doesn’t respond–not to her or the other paladins’ conversation. He tries to eat, ignoring whoever had started calling his name. Maybe he should do it. Leave them.

They’ve proven they don’t need him anymore.

“Lance, would you pay attention?” Pidge’s voice finally reached him and he looked up.

“What?” He muttered, his expression blank, or as clear as he could get it, anyway.

“Allura has been sitting here trying to talk to you. Don’t get me wrong, I ignore her too sometimes, but you’re being sort of rude.” Pidge crossed her arms as she finished talking.

“You would know about being rude, wouldn’t you?”

“Lance!” Shiro stood, glaring at Lance.

“Leave them,” Veronica sang, walking behind Shiro.

Shiro continued his scolding, “You can be as cruel as you want to me, but do not speak like that to the others. This behaviour will not be tolerated.”

Lance stood as well, then. “Leave me on the closest planet, since I’m such bad company. I knew it was only a matter of time. You’ve all been waiting for this moment, haven’t you?”

Shiro watched Lance storm away, glaring at his back.

* * *

“Lance?” Keith knocked at the door of Lance’s room. “Please let me in?”

The door unlocked and Keith walked in, standing in front of the bed where Lance sat. Keith sat beside him, watching as Lance finished wrapping a bandage around his leg just above his ankle.

“Come to tell me I need to apologise? That I’m overreacting? Want to criticize me like Shiro keeps doing?” Lance’s voice was harsh with accusation.

“No, actually. I just wanted to sit with you.”

Lance looked surprised–he was surprised. Keith seemed to be the only person that wanted anything to do with him.

“Only a matter of time before he gives on you, too. Leave them, Lance. Join us.”

Lance pushed his mother away from him and turned to face Keith. “Why? No one else wants anything to do with me. Why you?”

“I’ve already explained why. At least partially.” Keith grabbed one of Lance’s hands and held it, staring at their hands as he laces their fingers together. “You feel useless. I get that. But like I told you before, even if the team doesn’t need you, I do. I know I’m being selfish, but…” Keith trails off, seeming to look for the words.

Lance waits on Keith to find his voice again, not knowing how to respond. If there even was a way he could respond. Lance’s eyes were on Keith’s face, unable to look away.

“I’m sorry,” Keith’s voice became a whisper. “I really want to help you. I don’t know how. I miss seeing you happy. I miss seeing your smile. I miss hearing your laugh. I even miss every shot you would take at me because of our rivalry.” Keith took a moment to breathe, trying to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. 

“I finally found someone who accepts me. Someone who doesn’t compare me to Shiro all the time. Who doesn’t tell me that I would never have gotten anywhere without him. Yeah, you tease me all the time, whether about my hair or about something else, you’ve never been genuinely… I don’t know? Mean? You’ve never been genuinely mean about it. You don’t treat me differently because I’m part Galra. You have this way of making everyone feel wanted and welcome. Remember when Pidge called me ‘the loner’? I always felt like that–until I met you.”

Lance brought a hand up, wiping a tear off Keith’s cheek and turning the paladin’s head to look at him. Lance offered a small smile. “You sure are talking a lot more than usual. Not that I mind.”

Keith laughs softly, pulling Lance closer and holding him. “I’m not done. I need you to understand. I need you to know–I want to help you. I want to help you so badly it hurts. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I don’t know how to explain,” Lance whispered, his expression falling.

“That’s fine. Let me tell you this, though. Maybe Voltron doesn’t need you to pilot a Lion, there’s nothing we can do about that. Just because the team as a whole may not need you, doesn’t mean we don’t want you. Wants and needs are very different things. Needs are something we get stuck with. We can’t escape them.” Keith finally meets Lance’s eyes. “Wants are something we actively seek out. We keep them with us by choice, and choice is a powerful thing.”

Lance leaned his forehead against Keith’s, a smile on his face. He wasn’t cured–not by a long shot–but right here, in this moment, he was okay.

“Keith,” Lance whispered, his hand on Keith’s cheek again. “Thank you.”

Keith leaned forward, lips meeting Lance’s. He didn’t even know what was happening until it was too late. Lance leaned into the kiss, but Keith pulled back, panicked, removing himself entirely from the now-flushed brunette.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I have to–I have to go.” Keith ran out of the room.

Lance dropped his head into his hands with a groan. He really screwed up this time, didn’t he?

* * *

Keith burst into the training room, face red and tear-stained. “Shiro, I fucked up. I fucked up really bad.”

Shiro straightened up, stopping the program he was training with. “I doubt that. What happened?”

Keith paced back and forth, in full panic-mode. His mind had already gone through every negative possibility, every bad thing that could and will come out of this. “I kissed Lance!”

Alright, so… Admittedly, Shiro was not expecting that. “Well… what did you do after that?”

“I–uh… I ran away. Here. Just now, actually. Before you say it, yes, I know. Not my greatest accomplishment.”

“Definitely not,” Shiro agreed. “What happened before that, then?”

Keith sighed, his pacing finally coming to a stop. “I basically poured out my heart and confessed my love for him.”

Shiro sat down with him, a comforting presence. “Well, that poses another question. Do you love him?”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t.”

The elder hums, thinking before asking, “How do you feel when you’re around him?”

“I feel… warm. I guess.” Keith pauses, thinking further about the question. How does he feel? Warm is definitely one way to put it, but there’s so much more than that. He’s not even sure if words can explain. He tries, though. “Lance makes me feel warm, actually. Like the sun coming out during winter.”

“What about when you see him?”

This question makes Keith think even longer. “Usually whenever I see him, my first thought is along the lines of ‘the idiot is here’.” Keith frowned, then. “Lance isn’t an idiot, though. He cares about everyone he meets. Whatever is going on right now isn’t him. Even when he was focused on our rivalry and beating me, he still showed that he cared. He’s become this constant presence that just lights up the lives of everyone- especially mine.”

“Sounds a lot like love to me.”

“Is that how you felt about Adam?”

Shiro’s expression faltered. “I–I don’t really know. With Adam, everything fit. It’s like it all just felt right. My life clicked into place when he came into it.” Shiro pauses. “The universe would have found another way to get to me if it needed me. I would have gotten to Voltron some other way, but Adam…” Shiro lets out a soft sigh, as if with that breathe he breathed out more than just air. As if he tried to get rid of everything that had happened. Every mistake he’d made. “I hate that the mission meant so much to me then. There is nothing I regret more than leaving him.”

“I don’t know how you managed. I went my entire life without knowing–or, barely knowing–Lance. Now, though? Now I can’t imagine life without him. I can’t picture not seeing him around. Not having our usual conversations or even our arguments. I don’t really want to, either.”

Shiro hugged him, giving a slight nod. “We all make mistakes in our lives. We all miss certain chances, and we can make new ones. You may have missed it last time, but now you can make a new one. You can go tell him how you feel. Tell Lance what you told me.”

“What if he doesn’t look at me the same? I can understand if he doesn’t feel the same, but what if he hates me for it? Or he gets angry with me? I don’t want him to see or treat me differently.”

“It’s a fear you have to conquer. I have a feeling you are going to be pleasantly surprised, though. Lance trusts you more than any of us, and not only that, he cares a whole lot about you. The way he looks at you gives that much away, at least. Not to mention, that this thing with him right now? He’s only talked to you.”

“Alright. I–I will. Thanks, Shiro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A H H H ONE LEFT  
> I've never finished a fic longer than 1100 words so this is like crazy new level shit for me  
> hmu on insta @favoredReign and yell at me or something  
> I've currently got one fic which is a current work in progress and then another idea for a fic that i haven't started on yet. (And if you know me, you know I like hurting people. Not my readers specifically, sometimes the characters. Just depends on my mood.)  
> Feel free to leave feedback on this fic and my others.  
> Also feel free to request something, dm me on insta or tumblr (i havent posted anything there yet, but its also @favoredReign) and I'll write that. I need cool things to write so. Ye. Gimme shit. Merci, mes amours. <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY.
> 
> Like seriously I didn't write this story to entertain. I'm posting it because I wrote it, but I wrote it as a way for me to get things out of the way. This story was primarily a sort of venting tool for me, so please do not read this if it will negatively affect your mental health.
> 
> I do hope you enjoy it though! ^^ As always, take super care of yourself. This is the last chapter. It's some real shit. I can not stress that enough.

Lance walked around his room, pacing in circles. He was so stupid; why would he kiss Keith? Yes, maybe he might have had some feelings for said paladin, and yes, maybe Keith had been kissing him, too, but he was still stupid. Stupid enough to think they were genuinely getting somewhere. Stupid enough to believe Keith actually liked him. Stupid enough to get hurt when Keith ran away.

And it had hurt, a lot. Watching Keith’s eyes fill with regret as he ran away. It absolutely broke Lance’s heart. What he had left of it, anyway. After everything that had happened, it almost felt like a one of the Galra ships had shot him straight through the chest.

“You know how to fix this,” his mother began. “Do I really need to say it, though?”

“No. No, I can’t do that. You know I can’t.” Lance finally stopped pacing and sat down, hanging his head in his hands. “I can’t. I really can’t. I need to fix things with Shiro. I need to talk to Keith.”

“Why should you? They aren’t making the same effort.”

“They make more effort than I do!” He jumped up and started pacing again, throwing his jacket off as the heat got to him.

“Why are they not here with you now, then? You leader warned everyone about leaving you alone. And yet, here you are. All alone. As always.”

That made him stop walking. He is alone. Again. Keith left him. Keith knew how hurt he would be and still left him. How else could he respond to that?

He left his room, then, sure to grab his jacket on the way out. He would need something better than an old razor. As long as he ran into no one on the way, he would be fine.

“So, you finally reached your decision, then?”

Lance nodded, his expression almost blank. Almost. There was a sadness in his eyes, something that all the smiles in the world would never be able to hide. “I have.”

“And?”

“It’s time to end this.”

* * *

Keith sat in his room, going through his mind with what he was going to say. What could he say? _Sorry I kissed you! Also, I’m hopelessly gay and in love with you!_  
Maybe ‘in love’ was too strong. He definitely likes Lance, and probably loves him, but is it that strong? It also could just be a reaction to Lance being so withdrawn and upset lately; these feelings may not even be real.

Something inside of him told him that, no, these feelings are definitely real, and they have been for a while. That thought scared him, though. What could happen if Lance felt the same? Where would they go? What would they be?

Keith doesn’t know if he really wants a romance right now. Maybe it would be nice, but he just isn’t sure he could handle being in a serious relationship. Not now.

It would be nice, though. Sitting with Lance, kissing Lance, growing old with Lance. The image of the two of them, aged and retired from whatever they became, sitting together after a long day stuck in his mind. Keith never really spent much time thinking about the future or where he plans to go after Voltron. He knows he can’t be a paladin forever, but that just wasn’t something he thought about.

Now, though, the picture was clear in his mind. He could see himself spending that time with Lance. He could see himself staying with the blue paladin for the rest of their lives. And the thought was surprisingly a comforting one.

Then the present caught back up with him They are in the middle of a war. No guarantees either of them will survive any of it. He doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Lance. If he never got his chance. It scared him.

So, what should he say, then? He should probably apologise for running off. That would be first.

_Sorry I kissed you and ran away._

Yeah, that didn’t sound very eloquent.

_I’m sorry for kissing you out of nowhere._

That’s a good start.

_I’m sorry for kissing you out of nowhere and running away after?_

Basically, just restating his original statement. It sounded better, though. Much better. What next? Keith stood up, beginning to walk circles around his room. He has no idea what to say next. Talking to Lance shouldn’t be so hard. Talking about Lance is the easiest thing in the world.

Wait. Maybe that was it. He would say it to Lance as if he was talking to himself. He would tell Lance all the things he told Shiro and maybe more. Definitely more. He had so many other things he wanted to say. And now he knows where to begin.

Keith leaves his room, shaking his head to clear it and desperately hoping his nerves wouldn’t take over before he got there. He can do this. He’s done harder, fought worse. He’s got this.

At least, he hopes he does.

* * *

When Lance returned to his room, he had a dagger hidden in his jacket. The handle was surprisingly ornate, the blade a beautiful silver. It was obviously Altean in design, but most importantly–it was sharp. The knife may not look quite as good as Keith’s, but it would at least cut similar.

He sat on his bed, holding the dagger by its blade and examining it. Stalling, really. He still wasn’t sure. He had said he was, but what if this is the wrong decision?

“It is the only decision, my dear.”

They wouldn’t lie to him. He knows that. So, it must be. Keith told him he always had a choice, though. Keith told him he needed him.

Lance drops the knife onto his bed, putting his head in his hands. He was so confused. Who should he listen to? Who was right?

“He left you,” Veronica tells him, a hint of aggravation in her voice. “He left you here. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t need you.”

“How do you know that, though?” Lance faces her, trying to convey through his expression just how confused he is. She always seemed to know what he was thinking, so maybe she could understand him now.

“I do understand, Lance. You have to understand, though. Keith does not need you. He never will. If he did, he would have stayed. Or at least come back. He isn’t here.”

“He’s not coming back,” Lance whispers, picking up the knife again. “You’re right.”

His mother stepped into view, then, a warm smile on her face. “Yes, my dear, come see us again. No one needs you here, but we do. Come be with us. Forever.”

That word echoed in his head as he brought the blade to his wrist. He placed it directly beneath his hand, trying to prepare himself before forcing it deep into his skin. It cut through veins and nerves, deeper than he had cut before. And it hurt. He almost had to stop, but he didn’t. He forced himself through. He forced the blade through.

When he finally felt it had gone deep enough, and he could think through the pain of so many nerves being split apart, he began to move it. He forced the dagger vertically down, pausing each time it cut through more skin. How would he do this on his other wrist? It was horrible.

He forced it down further, blinking through the tears in his eyes. Blood was already pooling to the surface and dripping down his arm. He could see through the cut, see how deep it really was. IT made him want to be sick.

He finally yanked the dagger from his skin, struggling not to yell from the pain of it. His entire arm was on fire. He had to stop. He can’t do it again. He can’t.

“You can,” his mother comforted him, a hand resting over his bleeding wrist. “You can do it. We’re all so excited. So excited to see you.”

He wasn’t sure how he could process her words, but he did. Somehow, he got a grip on the handle and brought it to his other wrist. His hand was numb. He had to be quick or he wouldn’t be able to hold the knife.

Lance brought the blade down to his skin, calming himself as much as he could before forcing it into his wrist, the spot mirroring his other. It wouldn’t go in as far. He couldn’t get this one deep enough. He just couldn’t, there was no way.

A hand covered his own, and when he lifted his head, his eyes met his sister’s. She was smiling, nodding at him. And then she pushed her hand down with his, forcing the dagger deeper into his skin. It still was not as deep as the first, but deep enough. She helped him bring it down, leaving a cut almost identical to the first. The pain was already fading, though both his arms felt as if they were burning.

He let the knife fall from his arm, clattering on the floor as he fell back onto his bed. He notices his paper–it got blood on it. The note he finally settled on. It only had three words, but hopefully he would get his point across. Hopefully Keith would understand.

The faces of his family beside him got clearer, more and more of them appearing as the world around him got darker. He had lost a lot of blood already. It didn’t hurt anymore.

Suddenly, all the faces he had seen, every single person in his family, disappeared. They were all gone, leaving an increasingly dim, empty room.

He was alone.

He was going to die alone.

* * *

Keith didn’t bother knocking when he opened the door to Lance’s room, barging in with an apology on his tongue.

“Lance, listen, I am so, so-”

Keith stopped cold. Lance was lying on the bed. Motionless. Covered in his own blood.

Keith’s breaths became shorter and he started yelling. “Shiro! Shiro, please–please hear me. Shiro, Allura, anyone, please!”

He could barely see as he ran over to Lance, his vision clouding over. Tears were in his eyes and for once, he didn’t bother hiding them.

“Please breathe, please breathe, Lance, please,” Keith found himself repeating.

He sat down on the bed, not caring about the blood soaking into his clothes, and he pulled Lance up to him, hugging the other close.

Keith didn’t even notice as Shiro burst into the room, followed closely by Allura. Both looked some mix of shocked and horrified, but Keith couldn’t bring himself to look away from Lance.

“Lance,” Keith whispered, unable to get his voice any louder. “Lance, please. You can’t leave me. I need you.”

Lance still didn’t respond, and somewhere within himself, Keith knew he wouldn’t.

“You can’t leave yet. I couldn’t say I love you. I couldn’t tell you how beautiful you are. I couldn’t make you smile again. You can’t leave me, not yet.”

Vaguely, he registered Allura telling Shiro to get Lance into a healing pod. Keith didn’t react as they pulled Lance away from him and ran from the room. How should he react? How could he?

He finally noticed the small piece of paper beside him. His vision focused enough to read the three small words in Lance’s handwriting, his last words. Lance’s last message. Somehow, Keith knew they were for him. He was crying again.

_‘I’m so sorry.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @favoredReign on tumblr/instagram  
> Hit me up, yell at me, tell me to write more things, tell me to kill Lance again (don't worry, already working on it)
> 
> This is the first 'long' fic I've ever managed to finish writing. I've come a long way in my writing and I'm pretty proud of it. Thank you guys so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this fic. Ya know. Sorta. It's not really an enjoyable one. I'll post something cute and fluffy soon to make up for it! Maybe...  
> Anyways, take care of yourselves and please, please, please leave me comments and talk to me. Have a nice day~


End file.
